25TH HOUR: White New Yorkers commit crimes against both law and ethics; feel bad for being caught, rather than for doing it at all.
300: Gays kill blacks.
8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.
A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case.
A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: Social deviants make life difficult for genius.
A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.
ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
ATLAS SHRUGGED: Selfish industrialist destroys economy.
AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.
BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.
BILLY ELLIOT: Union worker turns back on strikers for personal gain.
BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.
BLAKE’S 7: Terrorists fight government, die.
BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
BOTTLE ROCKET: Mentally unstable man fosters friend’s descent into mental instability, finds love.
BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.
BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
CHANGE OF HABIT: Rock star regrets not looking closer at contract with movie studio.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.
CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.
CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
CLOAK AND DAGGER: Spoiled teens discover drugs make them special.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own.
CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.
CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder, destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.
DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.
DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.
DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
DIRTY HARRY: Police incompetence allows murderer to go free.
DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.
DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.
DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE: Part-time mechanic involves girlfriend in illegal fight club, risks life of best friend and endangered primate.
FALLING DOWN: Life is difficult for white men.
FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
FREAKS: Acrobat learns value of community.
SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
GLENGARRY, GLENN ROSS: Sales job proves difficult for some.
GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.
GREEN ARROW: Rich white man with Robin Hood fetish goes vigilante.
GREEN LANTERN: Policeman beats up his girlfriend.
GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.
HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
HE GOT GAME: Escaped convict attempts to embezzle only son.
HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.
IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.
JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.
JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.
JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
KING OF KONG: Dick battles loser over trivia.
LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.
LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
LARS AND THE REAL GIRL: Retarded man doesn’t know what sex toy is for.
LASSIE COME HOME: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Alcoholic assaults local businessman, ruins marriage.
LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.
MILK: Uppity queer dies.
MIRRORMASK: Misfit discovers she is special person in secret world just beside our own.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Lesbian relationship is harmful.
MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
NEVERWHERE: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.
OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.
PILLOW TALK: Gay man tricks woman into sex.
POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
PRETTY BABY: Young woman’s modeling career encouraged.
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.
RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.
RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
RAVENOUS: Coward is seduced by cannibal, destroys army outpost.
RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.
RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.
ROCKY: White man beats black man.
ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.
RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.
SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl.
SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.
SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed.
SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
SOUTHLAND TALES: Traumitized vet destroys universe.
SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
STARDUST: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Meglomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.
STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.
STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.
STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.
SUPERBAD: Boys plan date-rape, sleep together.
SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
TAXI DRIVER: Modern dating proves challenging for working class man.
TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.
THE CONVERSATION: Paranoid schizophrenic follows worst possible career path.
THE CRYING GAME: Hairdresser bonds with client.
THE EDGE: Men bond in Alaskan wilderness.
THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
THE FIRM: White lawyer learns hard work is irrelevant.
THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.
THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.
THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
THE PROFESSIONAL: Hired murderer sleeps with little girl.
THE STEPFORD WIVES: Woman has difficulty adjusting to suburban life.
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Civil servant insults and shoots foreigners.
THE THING: Unexpected visitor imposes on workers, their dogs.
THE UNTOUCHABLES: Murderer indicted on technicality.
THE WICKER MAN: Isolated religious community revitalized by newcomer.
THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Kidnapper commits murder several times.
TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.
TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.
TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Father becomes more involved in teenage daughter’s life.
V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.
VERTIGO: Stalker drives woman to suicide.
W.: Unspeakable disaster afflicts America. Then terrorists attack.
WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.
WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.
WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.
“Help” with this post was provided by: Mike, Chris, Josh, Bully, Andy, Andrew, Kevin, Ben, Ken, Proper Dave, Other Dave, Lisa, Melissa, Cathy and Brandon.
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