Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Things that never should have seen the light of day.

#thingsthatnevershouldhaveseenthelightofday #tyrabanks #modelland

What is the world coming to when Tyra Banks writes a novel. Not just any novel, but Modelland. A Harry Potter-esque foray into the world of private (Fictional, I should add) modelling schools and impromptu modelling competitions. This was hilarious when Derek Zoolander and Hansel performed a Walk off against each other.

Not so entertaining when Tyra Banks tries to create a similar atmosphere of rivalry and passion.

Here is an exerpt from a sample chapter, You can read the whole chapter here.

"Thousands of girls stampeded to the square all at once. Heels clacked. Dresses swished. Hairdos wobbled. The T-DOD theme song boomed a pulsating beat.
There was one rule and one rule only: a girl must be walking in order to be chosen.
Other than that, there was no prearranged runway on which the girls could walk, so everyone created invisible ones wherever they were standing. Violence was not encouraged nor was it condemned, and some girls' parents insisted on adding martial arts training to their walking lessons in preparation for the big day. T-DOD Square was an every- man- for- himself or, more precisely, an every- girl- for- herself event.
Scores of girls marched down their own stretches of the square, paused, posed for the cameras (real and imaginary), and then turned around. Trains of walking girls intersected with others. One area behind Tookie was so crammed with street vendors, it bottlenecked into a slow, shuffling line. Some walkers had only enough space to take a few steps before they had to stop and turn. Tookie's heart went out to a young girl in a ruffled pink dress who seemed way below the unofficial thirteen- year-old age requirement. She marched in place as if she were on a drill team.
Riiiip. A girl stepped on the train of a walker a few feet from Tookie and tore the fabric right off the dress. Both girls fell forward into a heap. The walkers behind them stepped over their bodies and continued.
Crash. The De La Crème white and cream blow-up tent went down as two brawling girls entered it. Oof. A girl who looked as if she had never walked in heels before stumbled, breaking the tips of both stilettos. Two girls got into a fight at the end of their makeshift catwalk, rolling to the ground. "Kenya, use the Gyaku Zuki move!" her mother screamed. "Reverse- punch the hairy hag! But watch your hair, sweetie!""

As you can see, Tyra obviously has the writing talent of a monkey in a top hat. The language is often flat and flacid, the sentences rile me up and make me genuinely angry that people are going to buy this trash and possibly even laud it to their friends and families.
And the caliber of the people 'reviewing' this book on the Barnes and Noble website kinda give me an indication as to the IQ level required to read this book.

"I really recomand this book it's really good.Tyra Banks has done it yet again..
You must read this book!"

I see this as the novel equivalent of Rebecca Blacks 'Friday'. It shouldn't have been made, but now that it has, we are going to laugh at you for being so shit.

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